The Bachelorette week three: Draining. Pick a winner already.
We open in the casual parlour hang out, where the boys spend all their downtime talking about dates and kissing. It’s Wednesday night and two guys are going home. I’m hoping one is Davey, but unlikely because he’s got that “douche-appeal” that seems to get guys from A to K (but no further). Davey is chosen alongside Tony, who has potential to get from A to Q, if only he’d lower those pretty shoulders of his and relax.
They go to a large boat on the harbour. Sam wears a white dress and hovers awkwardly between the two contestants. They play poker, and it’s pretty clear that there will be no mateship in tonight’s episode. “Thirty-five,” Davey says choosing the number, “the age gap between me and Tony.”
Tony, who is seven years Davey’s senior, doesn’t bat an eyelid. “What are you, 18?” he asks nonchalantly, before winning the game. Despite this, Tony goes home. Davey literally steals a kiss from Sam, securing his place in the soonest possible elimination, so I guess the whole date was one huge boycott.
The next day, in typical group-date style, the guys line up in preparation to be somewhat shamed. They put on costumes and face-paint. 30 kids show up. Alex with the British accent paints terribly, and he does so on the faces of the children. Somehow it’s made to look endearing and family-oriented. The guy with the blue eyes (we’ll call him Frodo) gets cake thrown at his face. Richie wrestles a child for Sam’s attention and Sasha sits, defeated, on the ground painting pictures with his younger friends. David can’t handle the paternal pressure, and ends up sitting with Sasha. Sam gives him a sympathy hug while she’s calculating how soon she can get rid of him after Davey.
“Professional athlete” Michael wins time with Sam by creating a terrible and unoriginal story about a prince and a princess. Sam lets him win because he’s a “professional athlete”, why else? What she doesn’t know is this guy has a very similar job to dirty-street-pie Blake, in real estate.
And so, blissful with ignorance, Sam takes real estate Michael to her place, promising a home-cooked meal.
She makes a burnt ham, cheese and tomato toastie.
And this is the point that all eliminated men breathe sighs of relief for dodging a bullet. Michael, top bloke, says he thinks it’s cute that she can’t cook. But not even his words of reassurance can disguise the flicker of terror in his eyes at the prospect of a lifetime filled with zero home cooking.
Wait…you actually can’t cook?
You seriously…not even a little?
I’ve made a terrible mistake.
To wrap the episode up, Sam basically begs the guy to kiss her. So he does. He gets a rose. Frodo goes home and everyone acts morbid while Davey stands there smugly because he thinks he’s in the lead.
Episode six. This whole episode is anticipated to be a “get-rid-of-Davey” plight, and Channel 10 does not disappoint. The first group date is at the circus, playing cheap and unoriginal fairground games. Davey gives a very notable show of Davey, and almost, but not quite, wins the whole thing. In the last moments of Davey against David, Sam stands by looking marginally more uncomfortable than usual.
You’re both going home anyway, but I really don’t want Davey to assault/kiss me again.
David wins, so he and Sam spend a very unromantic half hour under the big top, talking about family. They “hug it out” at the end, and you can almost see David’s time ticking down in Sam’s eyes.
The last date of the week is for Richie, who up until now has been a lukewarm contestant with no real personality. Because Channel 10 needs Richie to catch up with the others (and to justify why Davey’s going home and not him,) they dress him and Sam up as 80-year-olds, and it is without doubt, the cutest slash weirdest date ever constructed on reality TV.
Then this happens:
And then this happens.
Richie, spinning his way into the lead.
Richie pulls out some athletic breakdancing moves, leading me to believe he has more hope as a Socceroo than Michael. It’s the first time I’ve actually laughed at this season, and it gives me hope for the remaining episodes. Sam uses the date as a platform to launch into a philosophical thought-process, about family and growing old, and blah, blah, blah, justifying why she’s not choosing Davey without actually saying his name.
Clearly, at this point, she can’t even bear a cocktail party with the boy. So she calls him out directly at the beginning, takes him to another room, and proceeds to dump him.
Breakup Queen Sam recites her reasoning while Davey throws a tantrum. He’s not accepting that it won’t work, and the fact that we head to an ad break instead of watching him walk out only indicates he doesn’t do so easily.
Later, Osher comes in to break the news to the boys. They all act sad, as does Australia. Inside, we’re celebrating. – Bonnie Collis
All photos from Network Ten The Bachelorette Site.